New Year, Old Problems

Today wasn't supposed to be this way.

Actually, neither was yesterday. But here I am, 3 in the afternoon, with nary a thing done at work. You know, the work of God. That stuff I'm totally and completely responsible for.

I'm fooling myself if I think what I call work is really opus Dei. Churning out emails, program creation, and the like. Administration, but not the heart of ministry. And so when I don't get to do that in the way and on the schedule upon which I've decided things should get done, then I'm not a happy camper. I need to make sure these things happen, I need to be in this place by this time, I need to...well, you get the picture. In the pressure-cooker of accountable ministry, I turn into Alexander in the middle of his terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.

In short, I hate letting other people down. I want to be, with Paul, all things to all people. I've come to discover Paul either had no life, or he was fudging the truth a bit. Probably some of both. I struggle to find the right balance between church, campus ministry, connectional responsibilities, and--oh yeah--family. Not to mention time for myself to read, think, create, and simply be.

So, I grab drive-thru for lunch and conveniently forget the banquet feast prepared for me. I run around like a chicken with my head cut off...and still sign all my emails with "grace and peace." Is this an area of life where we believe, "Yes, we can"? Or is this an area where human initiative and bootstrap-pulling-up is fundamentally flawed?

So I'm realizing a few things (and have been for some time now): it's not my ministry to make work, it's God's; and trusting in God means letting some things go or giving them away. It's not hard for me to be chief technician manipulating the religious machinery. It is hard to trust in a transcendent God who is willing to share ministry with me, though not on my terms.

Christie and I were talking last night about something else entirely when I made the point that the work of mending our own deep brokenness is work that takes a lifetime (and that's when God's doing the mending). Talk about preaching the sermon you need to hear the most!

The lectionary this week is an invitation to the vocation of disciple. May the living, life-giving God grant me, and you, and the entire church the grace and peace to be shaped by the Spirit into true disciples of Jesus Christ. Amen.